The Power of No
Boundaries are King
I think a lot of sellers come into sex work thinking they have to say yes to everything (hell, some buyers think sellers should always say yes to them.) Whether it be selling panties or fetish items, producing a high quality custom videos and photos, or selling pre-made content, deciding to say yes to a transaction should always be done with a lot of thought in mind. That being said, I understand the privilege in that. I’m not doing this out of desperation. I enjoy it and my bills are always paid. But I understand that many sellers may need to say yes to things that would typically make them uncomfortable because they need to take care of business. I respect the hell out of that and buyers should too.
With that in mind, I’m a stickler for listening to my gut. It speaks loudly when I listen. Here are some of the things I’m always asking myself:
-Is my gut telling me this person is untrustworthy?
-Did something they say rub me the wrong way?
-Have they haggled it to death where it’s made it not worth it or made me feel cheap?
-Have they treated me like a human being or a sex object?
-Was a ton of time spent developing a relationship only for them to insinuate they're not valuing my time with a decent purchase?
-Have they said something offensive, whether it be borderline or obviously sexist, racist etc?
These undoubtedly mean different things to each seller, but for me, I’m always keeping these in mind with each conversation. I self identify as a kind person with a bitch just below the surface. There’s a thin line between a great experience and telling the buyer to kick rocks. If the answer to any or all of these makes me feel “icky”, I will move on and usually express to the buyer why. Depending on what it is, I think they should know why. How a buyer values me means everything to me and makes or breaks a good experience for me. And my experience takes precedent over theirs.
I’ve also been approached MANY times as if the buyer in my message box thinks they’re doing me a favor; that their presence or purchase is a gift to me. And although I always appreciate someone willing to spend their money on me, that usually feels pretty condescending and I will sometimes pass on the exchange. I have decided my own feelings of being genuinely appreciated for the transaction mean more to me than that sale. I think it’s mostly my ego, but I a lot of sellers do this subconsciously in varying aspects. At least, I hope they are financially able to. Do I love working with fun and interesting people who sexually excite me? Of course. But I don’t need any person in particular to be my knight in shining armor. I will not be getting on your horse with you because I didn't ask for a ride.
That being said, NO doesn’t always need to be the answer. It could mean:
-Not right now
-Yes but slightly different
-I’d like to but I need to build trust first
-Yes but at a higher price
-Not for this particular buyer
Unless someone is flat out making a seller uncomfortable or it’s a hard limit, I think it’s important to work through these options before turning a buyer down. Now… this comes with a HUGE caveat. And this is mostly for buyers to hear and consider: If a seller has a particularly high price on something compared to the market, that may mean several things: She may be less comfortable doing it, it may take her more time than normal, or with how busy her life is at any given moment, it would take more $$ to get her to stop what she’s doing and produce it. I’ve been “scolded” for my pricing being too high on many occasion. I find it interesting when someone attempts to dictate my pricing and that’s a sure-fire way to get blocked. Zero fucks given!
A lot of times, the "no" comes before the buyer has even expressed interest in purchasing. But I can already tell I would feel gross showing them or letting them sniff my pussy. If I don't want the person talking to me anymore, I sure as hell don't want them seeing the most intimate sides of me. I'm certain I've offended several people because of their extreme reaction, but I don't have to sell to you because you're being typically "nice". I don't even owe an explanation. I do, however, like to tell the person I no longer want to communicate and a hint as to why so they can hopefully do better with someone else.
I’ve also been called out by a few buyers for providing a service for one person and not another. But the person, price, timing, and desire all matter. I’ve also had a good experience in one transaction and a bad experience the next time. And it’s soooo soooo sooooo important to keep in mind that just because a buyer has paid for one (or many) experiences, doesn’t mean any following transactions are owed. I’ve had great interactions that turned sour in the blink of an eye. This should be obvious but I’ve had past reviews hung over my head as if that was the final word. Feelings change if my treatment has changed or I've learned more about someone. As a buyer, do you really want a seller to do something she’s uncomfortable with? God I hope not, but I know there are men out there who don't care how uncomfortable they make a woman. Regardless, listen to the sellers grievances and perhaps things can be reconciled.
Additionally, I've worked with buyers for months only for them to reveal themselves as racist, narcisitic or otherwise abusive or problematic; this is also not a relationship I will continue just because of our "history" or that they continue to buy. If I don't like the person I'm cultivating a relationship with, cutting things off is the best thing for my mental health. And for me, it's important that they know why in hopes that they'll one day "see the light".
What’s beautiful about sex work is you can make your own rules, but that’s also what can make it ugly if you’re not really paying attention to your gut. Buttons and boundaries can be pushed by prospective buyers purposely and unknowingly. And as sellers, it takes a ton of inner work to be able to state the value of your product or service and feel okay with it.. and to learn the power of “No”, “not right now” and the others I listed above. Honestly, I think my ability to say no in all the different ways is what makes me feel the most secure as a seller. When it comes to sex work, try not to be a ‘yes’ man. Sooner or later, you’ll realize half the projects you worked on were not worth it. And in the end, I just want the experience to fucking feel good!
Sellers, tell me: What else do you keep in mind to make your YES feel good to you? I'd love to know!