The Glory of Self Love
How masturbation and selling my panties helped me feel like a goddess.
Well, you already know what this article is about from the subject, but bear with me as I tell you how masturbation and my panties helped me learn the true definition of self-care and self-discovery.
I grew up in a very religious household. The kind of household where I was told I was sinning if I had an impure thought. Because of this, i thought I was sinning every single minute of every single day. I would see boys at school= impure thought. I would see articles in a magazine about underwear=impure thought. I would hear a song on the radio=impure thought. I basically believed my existence was a sin because if my thoughts were sins, then I was sinful. I was wrong, dirty and a disappointment to God.
As I got older, I started taking all that shame and drowning it in alcohol and very toxic relationships. I assumed that if I was a sinner, I might as well act like one. I did as much as I possibly could to numb the shame I felt inside and soon, I felt like a victim. A victim of my shame.
I assumed all men were out to hurt me. All people wanted to shame me. All religion wanted to send me to hell. I had no concept of what love was and no idea that the concept self-love, in a mental way, even existed.
I kept thinking that impure thoughts meant sin, so masturbation must have been the ultimate sin because I had to have some pretty dirty thoughts to get myself there.
Now you must be wondering,"Yeah, but you had to have pretty dirty thoughts to have sex, right?". Well, no. Sex has nothing to do with the mind. The act of sex itself is purely physical. Humans made sex fun with the dirty thoughts and loving emotions. Therefore we enjoy sex for more than just making other little humans. The issue with me was that when your brain doesn't have room for the fun because it's packed full of shame, then the fun doesn't join the party.
My brain would detach during sex with someone else. I thought sex was shameful, dirty, impure. I only did it to make my partner happy, to feel rebellious, to do what I thought was expected of me and after a while, the only thing that resulted was more shame. Because of this, I never orgasmed. Ever. Never during sex, not even once and this made me feel like a broken human being.
Fast forward many years, after therapy, sobriety and the strength to break away from what I was taught to believe and then learning to believe what made me feel whole, I learned that masturbation isn't a shameful act and neither is sex, as long as I was safe and it made me feel good mentally.
Masturbation led the way to self-discovery. It helped me understand my body, my mind and my spirit. It helped me understand what made me feel sexy, strong and in control. It was just me and my body. No one could tell me how to act, how to dress, what sounds to make or what to think. Masturbation is the ultimate tool for self-care and for me, that helped me step into the role of a survivor and no longer a victim.
Discovering how my body felt and reacted, helped me become more confident. I no longer felt ugly. I felt sexy, like a goddess. I was able to communicate what I wanted and what I needed with someone during sex and I will tell you this, when you are able to communicate with your partner during sex about what feels good, they are typically much more eager to please you because the pressure is off for both of you. The sex itself is a lot more fun and you discover intimacy you didn't really know was there to be discovered.
So, why did I decide to start selling my panties?
I'm not going to lie, making money is a bonus, but the idea of someone else masturbating to a piece of clothing I am wearing is an extremely sexy thought. The fact I feel strong, sexy and confident in a pair of lacy underwear or a satin thong and someone is enjoying that part of me is just another way I continue my journey of self-love. In other words, it turns me on and that's nothing to be ashamed about.