I want to know what love feels like...

...without pain.

I want someone to love me for me, not for what they can gain. Not someone who treats love like a game...manipulation, its' name; carrying with them a mindset that dictates to them that they should reign...

...supreme.

And every good thing that they want you see, is feigned; prearranged. 

Like it was all part of some master plan, written and produced by the very same man that scheduled and acted every part...in the whole god damned program! By the time it's over, you're feeling deranged. No recollection of who you are because its all been staged. Let's forget about everyone else! It's time for me to focus on myself...and how I became...

...self-estranged.

...how everything inside of me was changed when you swapped out my parts and pieces like I was a robot. You left me feeling restrained as bit by bit, pieces were interchanged, exchanged, and...

...rearranged.

My emotions were turned into tools designed to help you keep me caged. Meant to be used in a heated exchange of an exploding rampage born of sustained outrage, forcing me to stay engaged, overexplained in a cycle of being contained; in a loop of broken promises made, things left unchanged and me feeling so...

...OVERWHELMINGLY short-changed.

Whoo...take a breath.

Calm down.

We will figure this healing thing out.

I say we...but I mean ME. When did one perspective become three? Are any of them who I used to be? Are any of them who I wish to be? ...or are they all you...just disguised as me?

Can ya tell I have anxiety? I'm pretty sure ya gave it to me. Life has been rough but I still go through it with a mild sense of propriety, trying to adapt to a society that CELEBRATES NOTORIETY! ...and this requires a tone of sobriety because it makes people start desiring to force their character to adapt traits akin to Machiavelli, all while pretending to have a modicum of piety when all they really have is an abundance of dubiety, that comes in countless varieties, but you don't dare speak on it unless...

...done quietly.

So you turn to venting your frustrations in your diary, words fiery, and then they invade your privacy, ignoring the written advisory

DO NOT READ!

...to soak up your innermost thoughts and feelings like a sponge...committing an act of piracy. But...they never even had an inquiry. They were just...acting supervisorly, needing control in its' entirety, as if running a Dynasty; thinking that wearing the deciever's finery, acting defiantly, and resorting to bribery would take the focus off of the fact that their "Dynasty"...

...was actually, nothing more than a toxic waste refinery!

OH! THE IRONY!

...and the mask you wore so reliably, white as ivory, was cast off your face rather mightily, and though I didn't see it instantly...I realized. It was the beginning of living happily!

...even if I will always require...therapy.

I am trying so hard to let things go, but healing can make you feel so...

L

O

W.

I plunged myself into my internal grotto, hoping that I don't leave it hollow. Making myself raw to only experience woe. This process is...

Soooooo    S.     L.     O.     W.    

But I am learning to say NO! ...and not forego the things in my life that make it better than just "so-so". I will not tip-toe for another no-show John Doe that wants to overthrow the status-quo of my own personal thought plateau like it's a trick on a variety show! I will not listen to a braggadocio audio that was pre-recorded in a studio then force fed to me like it was on the radio telling me to ignore my loss-ratio "because with this beau, I have hit the lotto...and I should be grateful for his rainbow". But the light that it emits doesn't glow, only helping keep things hidden by shadow....

...because "it won't hurt if I don't know"....Right?

But see, things come to light when done in darkness, turns out you weren't so harmless. You're actually heartless with your harshness that left my sky dark...and starless. Love began filling my mouth with a tartness and I developed a need​​​​​ for catharsis, my emotions rotting me from the inside like a carcass. Feelings of depression at their starkest, convinced that I was nothing...

...if not useless. 

How did I get into this mess?

Thanks to Disney with all their princesses, I chased a love like theirs but only found abuse, trauma and mistresses, all with no witnesses to any instances of your illicit businesses, because i was too busy with indexes, looking up symptoms of multiple illnesses, with no recesses, trying to reach a synthesis for my own diagnosis...

...because you convinced me that I was sick.

Mentally unwell!

But you...caused all of this hell. 

Sorry! I'm trying not to dwell. I want to excel but in order to do that I have to dispel, compel, and expel you out of my internal citadel! ...so I can get well; come out of my shell and not repeat a parallel! Make love a hard sell, become a content Mademoiselle that doesnt fall for a bombshell...

...that was just another undersell. 

Take another breath.

Hell...take a few. 

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting something new! Why stay when it made me so blue? You turned me into a shrew with nothing to do but chew on the threats that you threw, keeping my feet planted with glue! All the while, you tried to accrue what you took from me to make you appear as if you had a breakthrough...and turned into a brand new version of you! But it wasn't something you could stick to...NO. You needed a constant ground crew but I was a party of one...so I had to learn to make do. This version of you was untrue and constantly under review because every time I started to see through, you enacted a re-do! Convinced me it was a miscue, so I sat with a tissue expected to say thank you to an emotionless statue until I decided to ensue this venue because I couldn't accept how things became so askew...

...so twisted. 

In the beginning I thought I was gifted. Committed to a simplistic life with optimistic thoughts...but then things shifted. Futher into your darkness you drifted and life became unscripted, leaving me conflicted about how you kept me...

...afflicted. 

A whiz kid too blind, deaf, and dumb to see that All of this shit, pre-existed! And I still couldn't predict it. 

Wait...let's get realistic.

I was painfully addicted to your sadistic desire to go ballistic, tight-fisted, be unresisted, vicious and wicked, until you insisted that I was guilty of everything you inflicted and tried to make a statistic, turning me into a victim, then covered it up with magic like a mystic. But once the veil was lifted, I realized that you were nothing if not consistent and maybe you were the one that needed committed to a system that's been fitted with people who will listen to those that wish they never existed and get assisted with the things that you never admitted. But...you just wanted acquitted and the things you did that hurt me...left omitted. Not permitted to be submitted so we could have benefited. It was easier for you to stay outfitted with words that were counterfeited, forwarded, repudiated, regurgitated, and retransmitted until you were outwitted and no longer permitted jurisdiction...

...in my own head. 

I would rather be dead than be misled.

Never again will I lie in my bed filled with dread, countless tears shed, blood staining the threads on bed spread red. How could I accept being r*ped by the man that I wed? Legitimate apologies...

...never said.

Just venom spewed from your mouth like a copperhead. It didn't matter how much I plead, or how many times I fled. You'd force me back to make me feel like a child coming back from behind the woodshed. Had me wishing that I was on my deathbed because you were a hothead, face turning cherry red, sliced open your hand and as you bled, you shoved it in my face and tried to fill my head...telling me that I did it to you instead. That moment...was a watershed. Secret time:...

...I did actually wish that you'd drop dead!

It may sound poor, but every time that you would go to war, I would silently pray to get that knock on my door! Knowing it would be hard for the children that I bore, hoping it would happen before they would realize that you were someone they would abhor! Before they would send for their mentor only to be uncared for. Before they would experience the meaning of the word ignore, or be embarrassed in the middle of a crowded store; hearing you roar about how they were such a chore. They couldn't even explore without your deplore; your negativiry galore whenever they would implore for you to be the kind of dad that they would adore. Instead, we would have to pay for everything post-war! Expecting your children to build a rapport like members of the Peace Corps trying to restore their idea of you before, and even though you swore you would never hurt their cores, you had a penchant for gore. So yes...

...I prayed for something to even the score!

That is a regret that I will have to answer for.

But your abuse is NOT something I will stand for! 

Nevermore!

When you committed the ultimate treason and tried to put me in a mausoleum, with your hand around my neck...I tasted freedom! Your eyes entirely black like a demon, but then I saw the beacon of light closing in. I had been beaten. Love changed its' season and I started to weaken. Then, for seemingly no reason​...

...you let go having nearly succeeded.

And I was angry that you denied me peace. 

Won't hide it. I am still trying to find it. If I can rent it or buy it. Give me the lease...I'll sign it. 

It's hard to think of love in my future because I am afraid that people are just like you were. Patterns of behavior always recur and I know it's unfair to transfer what you did onto a potential suitor but I am not the heart whisperer...and I prefer to defer before heart and mind can concur, and we are sure, that they aren't just here as another exploiter. 

Biggest weakness; biggest asset! A biiiiiig heart that looooves to play roulette. But I refuse to be a marionette to someone with a narcissistic mindset. No more regret that I hit the reset. In fact, give me a cigarette. It's time to watch the sun set on this novelette. Enough of this upset. I have paid more than my debt!

Although your version of love left me jaded, you are really gonna hate it to know that I am being persuaded and aided in my effort to leave my heart...unbarricaded. The love I had for you faded due to being degraded and I am happy that I evaded being further pervaded when you invaded and raided leaving me desecrated.

No longer will I be, what YOU designated!

I traded it in for a chance at love that leaves me tittilated, unabated and sopisticated; letting me feel elated, elevated and celebrated. Nothing to be debated. No desire to deflate it. Raw, open and completely naked. Mind, body, and soul, entirely sated...and if you're educated...

..the rest need go...unstated.