Partying with Tina
Choosing to come clean.
TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
This is just a little insight on a drug that I let hold me for a minute. I've been clean and dedicating my time to my recovery 👊🏽 since this time, I have started volunteering at my local probation & parole, to help local women in similar situations out there. By reaching out and sharing this story, i hope it reaches a mass.
2am I’m sitting in my room, meth pipe in hand, dope in the other. Light it up, let it melt. Inhale, exhale. I feel fucking AWESOME. why didn’t anyone tell me dope felt this good? - in the same breath...why didn’t anyone tell me about the devastating & life gripping effects methamphetamine can have on its users.
2 years ago, I felt like a goldfish. Living my life inside of a bowl. (A cheap one at that) Every day reaching into my dopamine and serotonin levels, depleting them with a wicked ease, as if I had any to spare. Stealing, lying & scrounging for my next high. Family meant nothing, “friends” were other users. We got high together to depart from the harsh realities of life, to fly away in a flash, and float in this euphoria for hours on end. Indestructible, stronger than I’ve ever been. I felt I was living out this prophecy. My high made me feel I was destined for more, made for more even. I was going to be great with aunt Tina by my side. My days blended into months, months blended into years. Never taking a second to think and reflect.
I felt I didn’t need to.
Meth makes you think everything’s fine.
Until it’s not. Once that euphoria ceases, you’re left feeling lost, at the bottom of a well, with no way out. Instead of reaching out, you may feel ashamed, maybe not..Tina had a grip on me that nothing else ever had. “I can’t go back, this is my life now.” I remember repeating to myself in attempts to cling to whatever sanity I had left. I kept making excuses. Camping out in trap houses, giving away all of my most precious items at the drop of a hat. Things I held near and dear to my heart while sober, meant nothing to me while high. Everything moving so fast, I didn’t have time to save myself, or even look at myself long enough to notice that I’d lost over 100lbs in just a few months. 90lbs, sopping wet. From a size 14, to a 00 with a shocking quickness. Looking in the mirror with skeletal features, and feeble bones, thinking “damn, I look good.”
I definitely did not feel ashamed until after I was sober for a year. I had many issues trying to find happiness with a drug-free life. Many suicide attempts later, I found myself impatient. No way to use, no contact from the outside world. Just what I needed. The days were long and drug out, I couldn’t deal with the time passing so slow. My thoughts once fleeting, now returning with a vengeance. Reminding me of how much of a failure I truly was. I cheated, I lied, I burned many seemingly indestructible bridges. Just like that.
Lifelong friendships gone, I was the hot gossip in town. Everyone I knew before was way farther and better off in life than I was. I felt sad, seeing just how much had happened that I’d missed out on. How many holidays I spent fucked up beyond belief, and away from family.
I tried to patch up my relationships, but I didn’t have glue or caulk, all I had at my dispense was water. Useless for the job needing done. How the hell was I back at square one??
730 days too many...far too much time I cannot get back, given to a shitty drug made out of even shittier ingredients. My brain being meticulously fried like an egg in the morning.
Sobriety has been an eye-opening journey for me. Finding out I was pregnant, I made the decision to get clean & STAY clean for my unborn child. This was the best decision I ever made.
I am happy now, on medication that’s prescribed to me. I’d even say now, I am thriving. That’s so hard to believe, knowing where I’ve been.
If any of you reading this are struggling with drug addiction, please don’t hesitate to message me. No judgment, as I’m familiar with being in that position.